Friday, February 29, 2008!
this leap day, i decided to take a trip down memory lane. i thought my heart was steeled enough and the wounds of whats loved and lost have been healed for long. yet, i sit here now blogging because the pain is so intimate and deep that if i dont let it out, i'm afraid that i will burst out in tears.
and i refuse to cry on leap day. because these tears will then forever be remembered - along with the reasons for these tears.
i hate to tell myself that it doesnt matter anymore. that you dont matter anymore. that i can bury what last emotions i have for you away, and with all my heart(how naive of me to think that my heart can withstand so much.)look at you platonically.
oh how i tried. sometimes even managing to convince myself 'there you see, it doesnt hurt so much after all'. but no, its just self-hypnosis that i've grew so fond of. honestly, i think alot of my life consist of self-hypnosis which, honestly, is a pretty good way to escape. until i wake up from it.
let me say it. out loud. YES I MISS U. I MISS U ALOT. i miss the times we had together, the tenderness in your eyes, the laughter that i reserve just for you, the feeling of being so sure of your presence in my life, the feeling that you matter so damn much to me and i to you. I MISS U.
just for today, 29 february 2008, let me wake up from my self-hypnosis. let me face my feelings for once. let me admit to myself that yes, i will always always miss you and will always always wish that things were like before. that i can have u back into my life again. let me admit that i was a fool. let me admit that i have always always been upset about that decision that i made. let me admit that you were the best for me and that i always always have this deep fear that i will never ever find another better.
let me admit. admit that i have always been regretful.
and sorry.
and furiously angry.
it still hurts. so much that all it took to evoke all these were 3 simple notes.
i really really miss you.
but after today, no, after this blog post, i am just going to bury all these away. tell myself that its all in the past and i was glad it happened. give a contented sigh. pretend to move on, and maybe really move on.
i really miss you.
2:11 AM
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