Tuesday, May 29, 2007!
the month of may has been one heck of a month. never had i met a more turbulent month like this.
this month, i fell and stumbled alot through life's little pebbles. astonishingly, the falls made me stand up stronger than before.
no, not because i really became stronger and sturdier, but instead, it is more of the fact that i am too afraid to fall again. so afraid to fall that i force myself to stand.
stand and smile through adversity.
to become a cheerleader for myself. chanting and chanting I CAN DO IT! POSITIVE THINKING! GO! GO! GO!
things do get better. and i managed to become happier.
can you do that? tell yourself that you are going to be happier...and actually feel happier.
but i think its the fact that this hope and happiness i hold on to is so so frail and fragile that just a little negative energy is able to completely wipe me out.
like now.
it really hurts so much to be blind in a lie.
human hypocrisy never seems like too much of a deal until it taps you on the shoulder and shouts YOU ARE IT, BUDDY.
it is so scary to exist in a lie. because everything else turns unreal and i start doubting so much.
are you real to me? should i doubt your smiling face? is your laughter genuine? ARE YOU MY FRIEND?
and hope. the little hope i hold on to with dear life may mean nothing to others.
the hope that you know who i am.
i thought you knew.
i was such a fool to act like a fool. to jest around just to make everything seem like its alright. but then again, i am no fool. because i know your angst.
but maybe that is the only way that i, RUTH, know how to react.
this is the flawed me.
i thought u knew.
6:12 AM
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