Friday, October 28, 2005!
feeling miserable to the bone today.
i am down with fever, sort throat, and a miserable, dampened spirit.
sigh.
i always get myself into such messes. overestimating myself. telling my parents that there is no problem in me committing myself in many activities. i thought i was smart. *sniggers*
until i realised how weak i actually am. how weak and absolutely foolish.
i admit. i cant cope anymore. i just cant.
everything is failing. my grades, my health, my morale and most importantly, my relationship with my family, my relationship with God.
i knew i was foolish a long time ago, but i just cannot let go. because i love both my CCAs too much.
but i was screwing up my life.
my demoralising grades, my failing health, my lack of family time, my non-existance piousness.
i miss the life i had before. i miss time.
what an awkard expression. but its true. now time just fly past and without me having any consciousness for it.
what kind of person am i becoming? i miss my parents so much. i miss my church fellowship so much. i miss my health.
it hurts me to see my parents so disappointed with my grades. the worried look on their faces when they see me sick again. they dont know how to express their worry but to reprimand me. i dont blame them. they are my parents.
its like how i cant blame my family for thalassemia. its in the genes.
i understand why they want me to loosen up on commitments. i understand.
they know what is the best for me.
i'm filled with guilt. i owe choir too much.
and i have nobody to blame but myself.
with remorse,
Ruth
8:51 PM
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