Tuesday, June 24, 2008!
so many tangled doubts.
so many confused emotions.
so many jumbled words.
too many questions.
too much, too much.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008!
its been 4 years.
and i still have the urge to make sandwiches for you.
i cant help but want my life to turn in circles.
나는 너를 정알 보고 싶어요. 찐자.
Sunday, May 18, 2008!
i decided to watch the movie, 'i'm a cyborg but its ok' for the second time because i was running out of korean dramas to watch (yes, believe it) but mainly because i was very curious.
curious because the first time i watched it (in the cinema with Char), i didnt understand it at all - all i could grasp was the plot and the amazing visual spectacle. granted, this usually satisfies me enough to not watch a movie again, yet, somehow for this film, it wasnt enough.
and i am sure glad that i decided to watch this film again because it is truly facinating. although set in a mental asylum, with characters that are seemingly mad and ridiculous, i felt that i was able to emphatise with them - their thoughts, emotions, fears- all of them.
for me, their madness is thought and nostalgia-provoking. The story revolves around a (mad)young lady who thinks that she is a combat cyborg. however, this is not madness to me - werent we all like that when we were younger, pretending that we were something/somebody else and then really truly believe in them? it is just that as we grow older, we start to separate reality from imagination and finally we reach a point where imagination becomes ridiculous in the face of reality.
This is why when i was watching 'I'm a cyborg, but its ok', i didnt feel like i was watching a group of mad people doing mad things, but rather, the characters were reflecting a 'madness' that is innate in all of us.
i was also deeply touched by the romance of the two main characters, performed by Rain( Park Ill-Sun)and Im Su-Jeong (Cha Yong Goon). oddly, this romance between two mad people is one of the most heart-warming ones that i've seen on screen (considering the fact that i have watched A LOT of romantic dramas, this IS a feat). Because of his initial sympathy, Ill-Sun took the time to understand Yong-Goon's state of mind and later joins her in her imaginary world in order to help her. if this is not love, then it must be something a lot like love because what can be more intimate than to understand the inner workings and thoughts of a one's mind? though unconventional, to me, this romance is undisputably a romance.
it is evident that a lot of thought has been put into the script as well as the direction of the film, and it is a film that is definitely worth being appreciated. it is such a waste that some refuse to catch it just because they think that it is a film solely made for Rain-fans. my advice is to watch it with an open mind; forget the fact that the main actor is Rain, and just appreciate the film for what it is.
Thursday, April 17, 2008!
"I am unable to grasp the large catastrophes. They leave my heart untouched. At most I can read about such atrocities with a kind of greed – a pornography of horror. But I shall never rid myself of those images. Images that turn by art into a bag of tricks, into something indifferent, meaningless. " - Ingmar Bergman
in my view, this is not only the dilemma of art but also the dilemma of everyday life and existance.
people making great statements for their beliefs, leave me with awe, admiration and disdain. Disdain - at my everyday existance and my art. because it is in the face of such statements,that i find my daily doings and purpose in life meaningless and very much a joke. and then the joke is taken further when i realised that great importance and attention i place to them.
these statements crush my whole world of self-constructed believes and purposes. my entire sense of existance.
but yet i continue on with the meaningless. because i dont know what statement i can make, what beliefs i can hold on to.
and my art - is it but a bag of tricks? is it but fluff of no meaning? is it just something i play for mere self satisfaction?
as much as i try to deny and justify myself, i cannot.
i dont know what to do now.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008!
the need to do well
the need to escape
the need to please others
the need to feel happy
the need to live everyday to the fullest
the need to accomodate
the need to worry
the need to wait
the need to contain emotions
the need to rest
the need to work
the need to compromise
these are in my daily to-do-list. do they match yours?
i am so so tired.
Friday, February 29, 2008!
this leap day, i decided to take a trip down memory lane. i thought my heart was steeled enough and the wounds of whats loved and lost have been healed for long. yet, i sit here now blogging because the pain is so intimate and deep that if i dont let it out, i'm afraid that i will burst out in tears.
and i refuse to cry on leap day. because these tears will then forever be remembered - along with the reasons for these tears.
i hate to tell myself that it doesnt matter anymore. that you dont matter anymore. that i can bury what last emotions i have for you away, and with all my heart(how naive of me to think that my heart can withstand so much.)look at you platonically.
oh how i tried. sometimes even managing to convince myself 'there you see, it doesnt hurt so much after all'. but no, its just self-hypnosis that i've grew so fond of. honestly, i think alot of my life consist of self-hypnosis which, honestly, is a pretty good way to escape. until i wake up from it.
let me say it. out loud. YES I MISS U. I MISS U ALOT. i miss the times we had together, the tenderness in your eyes, the laughter that i reserve just for you, the feeling of being so sure of your presence in my life, the feeling that you matter so damn much to me and i to you. I MISS U.
just for today, 29 february 2008, let me wake up from my self-hypnosis. let me face my feelings for once. let me admit to myself that yes, i will always always miss you and will always always wish that things were like before. that i can have u back into my life again. let me admit that i was a fool. let me admit that i have always always been upset about that decision that i made. let me admit that you were the best for me and that i always always have this deep fear that i will never ever find another better.
let me admit. admit that i have always been regretful.
and furiously angry.
it still hurts. so much that all it took to evoke all these were 3 simple notes.
i really really miss you.
but after today, no, after this blog post, i am just going to bury all these away. tell myself that its all in the past and i was glad it happened. give a contented sigh. pretend to move on, and maybe really move on.
i really miss you.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008!
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)
- ee cummings
i love the music that is weaved within the words, most intricately,like the weaving of gold threads into fragile clothing. it seems to beckon, "listen, and sing along with me".